Carb Day is a wondrous affair full of merriment & drink. And while the vast, vast majority of those in attendance are delightful people who mean you no harm, there are certainly a few categories of nare-do-wells who you MUST be aware of. Some are potentially violent … others are merely catastrophically annoying. All can ruin your day if you’re not careful.
These are those categories.
Step 1: Get to know some famous people.
Step 2: Never, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever stop Tweeting about how you once got to know some famous people, and show them that sometimes you took photographs with these famous people (and other famous people too, sometimes!) … and if anyone is ever all, “Ummmm, why are you always talking about these famous people??,” you quickly respond with an “It’s all good, bro” and then you double-back & you CRUSH THEIR DUMB PEASANT QUESTIONS WITH A SWIFT TWITTER BLOCK IN THE FACE, BUT NOT BEFORE REMINDING THEM OF HOW HOW TWITTER-POOR THEY ARE, BECAUSE LOL!, YOLO!!
Step 3: Get hired by the Pacers. You win.
Let’s get to some Twitter lesson’ing, shall we? Pay attention, dweebs, we’ll begin at the beginning: last evening, about three hours before ESPN’s newest “30 for 30” was to air, the one about Dan Marino & John Elway and their draft. This was the PERFECT time to prime the pump, so to speak.
Sleep easy America … we have a protector.
He’s not the protector we deserve … he’s the protector we need. Nothing less than a knight. Shining.
Be honest, do you not LOVE LOVE LOVE my son’s nursery that I spent $4,000 designing & also untold hours searching for the most perfect-est parenting quote ever, for my son?? Hahaha, JK!! That is not my son’s nursery! No, while my son DOES in fact sleep in a crib, he is our 3rd child, and as such, his nursery is decorated only with a Bernard King “Converse Weapons” poster I found somewhere in the basement and also a half-dozen paint swatches from Lowe’s in the colors we were consdering painting the walls, but never got around to doing — because he is, after all, our 3rd child & nobody has the time/energy for all that noise, we are not heroin addicts. #PARENTING!
A normal, non-deadbeat sports fan gets to experience maybe one of these nights per lifetime, in person — perhaps two if you’re lucky, although nothing is guaranteed. An event where you genuinely take pause and marvel at what is unfolding in front of you, as it is unfolding, even when it’s just the surroundings you are marveling at and the game has just begun.
There will be no discernable gameplan, naturally. There will be no in-game adjustments when things are not working out too well. There will be no concerted, sustained effort to get the ball to the best big-man in the country, because DUH!, that’s loser talk(?). Roll out the ball & let’s play, boys, first team to 80 wins, probably!! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! [Tweets an inspirational quote!] CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! …
See it.
She also did lots of opium there too, if I’m not mistaken — when she wasn’t out skanking around with weird boys & executing folks. #DruggyMurderSKANK
Oh hi there, fellow unorganized terrible parents of toddlers, how was your morning today?? Filled with utter chaos and mayhem because getting toddlers awake/fed/dressed/out the door for school on time is the most exhausting and infuriating thing ever?? Hahaha, OF COURSE IT WAS!! It always is — because getting toddlers awake/fed/dressed/out the door for school on time is inherently awful and impossible. So I am here to offer some super-great tips that will help ease the crushing stress of it all! (Note: these tips will not ease the stress of anything, they are useless.) De nada.
It will never be like this again. Not with this group of Colts, I mean. Not in the next 10 or 11 or 12 years, assuming all goes well, during these tense days leading into another playoff run — when otherwise sane and rational fans turn into jittery puddles of chest pain, worrying and wondering how our souls will be murdered this time. We walked that wonderful/awful path for a decade. It is a path paved with High Expectations and misery, for the most part…and sometimes you get VANDERJACKED in the solar plexus & you throw up on the sidewalk outside of Ike & Jonesy’s. It is the best kind of unpleasantness, don’t get me wrong, but unpleasant nonetheless. When it is Super Bowl or bust, that bust can pack a wallop.
Mr. Picklepants waited for hours in the cold drizzle behind the Pork Tent, where they always met when their shifts were up, but she would not show that day. Nor ever again. Carnival life is a hard dollar for sure, maybe the hardest, and Mr. Picklepants was already dead on the inside. That hardly mattered, though, because he caught pneumonia that day waiting in the cold drizzle behind the Pork Tent, and died one week later on the outside too.
Anyhoo, HAPPY NEW YEAR’S EVERYONE, LET’S GET THIS 2013 PARTY STARTED!!!!
You dumb weirdos & hippies, I SWEAR!! Waaaaahhhh, the 3rd Amendment is an outdated byproduct of 1700s-style worldviews that no longer seem relevant and also I really hate Freedom and so forth and so on, BLOW ME.
Drop some truth on these dirtballs again, Founding Fathers:
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Happy Monday. How about a peek behind the scenes of The Royal Tenenbaums to start your week?
More behind the scenes shots from more movies here.
