STEP RIGHT UP, FOLKS!! OL’ PEP’S GOT WHAT YER LOOKIN’ FER, ONLY TWO BITS A BOTTLE!!!

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Sports Illustrated‘s Peter King had a chat with the Colts’ Pep Hamilton Wednesday as part of the national columnist’s Monday Morning Quarterback RV training camp tour and came away convinced Hamilton isn’t just giving lip service to his throwback idea of giving his offense glyco-heroin to heal/prevent their physical ailments.

The Colts are committed to making it an integral part of their rehab program. Sprains … concussions … typhoid — Pep’s Glyco-Heroin will take care of it all!

“I expected to walk in here and to see a neophyte, opposed-to-ancient-medicinal-remedies offensive coordinator in Pep Hamilton,” King said of his arrival at Anderson University, “and instead I found a guy who appears as though he is really going to energize this offense in a way I didn’t quite expect. With heroin!”

This new way could be a revitalization of this offense. “He says clearly, ‘We will be a power running team immune to the perils of whooping cough and polio and Sioux arrow wounds, bet yer bottom dollar!’”

King was at first skeptical that this team will be distributing heroin cure-alls, but then he became a believer: “Pep Hamilton is walking into that meeting room and looking his offense in the eyes and telling them, ‘We’re in the ketchup now, boys! And sure as buttermilk biscuits, you’re going into the training tee-pee and you’re snorting my patented glyco-heroin elixir and it will INSTANTLY cure what ails ya!’ and ‘We’re going to be able to grind it out and when we have to, because 8 frog-bottoms of Pep’s Glyco-Heroin a day keeps the town doctor-man away! It’s aces, boys! ACES!!’”

Mr. Hamilton then doffed his pork pie hat and sped away into the Anderson night atop his trusty steed.

(This post originally appeared in the Allentown Gazette, 02 Aug. 1832)

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